Relationships

Finding I have less to say than when I started - the way of most blogs I suppose. I'm not interacting with officialdom so much this year and so my quality of life is better and I'm less stressed. My landlord isn't due for the annual fucking-up of my rent and housing benefit for another few months. However I've also had a bad flare up and even had to stop my 3 hours a week of volunteering for a couple of months - which doesn't encourage writing. I'm trying to get into using Voice Recognition, but it's a bit frustrating.

Been thinking about the effects of being chronically ill on relationships. Not all of my friendships survived my descent into the the hell of chronic pain and tiredness. Last year I had a girl-friend for the first time in ages, but I'm difficult to be around at times: I'm in pain all the time and get tired quickly and the combination makes me less than gracious at times. I'd like to say I'm one of those noble souls who is stoical in the face of suffering, that never complains. I do my best, but actually pain sucks and I struggle to be upbeat about it. So it didn't last despite being quite delightful to start with.

Anyway I wondered if there was a dating site for people with chronic illnesses and struck this blog post: Chronic Illness and Relationships. So it's not just me. It's one of the things about chronic illness - it's isolating to the point where I often think I'm the only one living like this. But no.

I'd love to have a bit more companionship but I'm not exactly an attractive proposition for a women. And that doesn't help my confidence or self-esteem. Actually now I look into it there is quite a lot written on the subject - e.g. A Different Kind of Date. Not sure I want to self-identify as 'disabled' but I suppose there is some truth in that I am not as able as I once was - especially when it comes to repetitive motions with my hands and applying any kind of pressure or supporting my weight on my arms. Here's another take by Dancing with Pain.

Being old, or ill, or whatever doesn't make us any less human - we still have needs. But it gets gradually more difficult to meet. I sometimes go for weeks at a time without any physical contact with another human being. I try to keep myself busy with stuff so I don't end up feeling miserable about it, but at times the grief is overwhelming - not only have I lost my job, my ability to earn my livelihood, as well as all my hobbies (making music and art), but I'm increasingly isolated and lonely.