Difficult Day

Discovered today that Cambridge City Council can only pay out £330 per month for a room in a shared house. Rooms are typically £400-500 in Cambridge - there are simply no rooms priced as low as £330 in Cambirdge City. The low limit is because the average rent price is taken over the whole of Cambridgeshire which includes low priced villages that no one wants to live in. Or they stump up $520pm for a self-contained 1 bedroom flat. These are usually just a room with a toaster and ensuite. If pets were allowed there would be no room to swing a cat. And all the bills to be covered by ESA.

On the subject of ESA I started preparing my appeal today (on the GL24 form) as the medical report finally arrived after two weeks. All they had to do was print it out and post it! They supply a rectangle 83mm x 120 mm (3.25' x 3.9') for spelling out why you are appealing to be filled in in BLOCK CAPITALS. I sent them two sides of A4 typed, and three supporting documents. Take that you bastards.

Back in June 2012 I got this: "" Mr X does have a Limited Capacity for Work Related Activity". That put me in the higher bracket for ESA.

This year my medical report says:

“The available evidence suggests that the client has a significant level of disability due to Anxiety and Depression, such that they would have a limited capability for work. Likely to reach threshold, personal action, getting about and social situations, no significant chance since last assessment.” [emphasis added]

Despite there being no significant change I'm down graded to the Limited Capacity for Work. The details of what this means are a bit arcane but it does mean about £35 a week less in benefit. Just at the time when I'm faced with being evicted because I'm a prick to live with and the only good option I have, apart from moving the fucking countryside away from everyone I know in the UK and all my support systems, is to get a bedsit on my own. But then I am responsible for all the bills. If anyone will supply services to me. The prejudice against people on benefits seems to run pretty deep here. So I need the money, though I think as things stand I am entited to it. I'd love to live on my own but had thought I couldn't afford it. Maybe I'll just have to.

The medical report does seem have ignored or at best underplayed my answers to Qs 14-17 on the ESA50 which cover mental health. I clearly fit the criteria and they thought so last year (on appeal) and they ought to be applying the same criteria this year. In any case the I'll send in my documentation tomorrow and cross my fingers.

My doctor's supporting letter mentioned that I had a panic attack while asking her for the letter. And this was interesting because I didn't think of it as a panic attack. It seems I have panic attacks much more often than I had thought. Just about every day at the moment.

I'm finding the dichotomy of trying to convince the government that my health is poor and my behaviour unacceptable and trying to landlords that my I'm going to be a great tenant is very difficult to hold. It's creating quite dangerous tensions at times.

Physical Functions

Can you walk at least 200 metres before you need to stop? [this unaided by another person, but including
walking stick, wheel chair, crutches]
Can you walk up and down 2 steps without help from another person?
Can you sit for an hour without help from another person.

And the answer is every case is HOW OFTEN? How often am I required to do this? Once a week? Once a day? 10 times a day? 100?

ESA50

Filling in the ESA50 form which has replaced the IB50. The last time I filled one of these in, the emphasis was 'what is wrong with you?'. Now it's 'why aren't you out working?'.

The questions are terrifying in a peculiar way. They want to know shit like

can you get out  of bed and wash your self?
do you eat?
can you stand up or sit in a chair?
can you walk at all?
can you leave the house?
have you got minimal use of hands and arms?
can you socialise at all?
what do you do that might upset workmates?

The lists is so minimal. Like a basic list of human functions. And you just know that behind each one is the implied question, 'if  you answered yes to this question, then why aren't you working?' Can you fill in this form? Yes? Well you, my friend, just qualified for the workforce. Are you alive? Well get a fucking job.

This is much worse that IB50. I don't think I'm going to make it, but then that means that I'm supposed to go back into the workforce. I'm panicking just thinking about it. What it will mean is that welfare is cut by £25 a week, and I'm forced to apply for jobs that no one in their right mind would give me.

Some of the things I can do once or twice, but not continuously or repetitively. Certainly not two days in a row, and not without the help of a hefty dose of codeine. But they do not test for this, and they never have. How do I make them test me for the problem I have?

Weasle Words

Got my letter today and the form, but only after a very weasely phone call. What with all this stuff about "may affect your benefits" - you must fill in this form or it "may affect your benefits". What they mean is FILL IN THE THIS FORM OR WE'LL CUT OFF YOUR BENEFIT. Why don't they just come out and say it?

And what are they still saying 'You may be asked to come to an assessment"? It's fucking government policy that every single person receiving welfare because of illness will have to attend an assessment, so why fudge it and make it sound like an option. It's just bullshit.

Is it just them being English do you suppose? Fucking irritating. No one who has listened to the news in the last two years can misunderstand the intention of the govt, so why are they making it seem otherwise on the official forms?

OK, yes, I'm, freaking out. But wtf? Actually I'm terrified. I was looking forward to celebrating my 10th anniversary of arriving in Blighty, but it's going to be right in the middle of this process.

Meantime I have a molar in its death throes giving me agony when anything under about 15C touches is; plus swollen and tender gum around the root. So no room-temp food in the morning for instance. Dentist says he might be able to save it by replacing the filling, which over the years has grown to cover about half the tooth. So we're having a long drill in two weeks, and will have to see what happens. A root canal is next option.

And the current set of MEBs seem particular bent on driving me mad. I'm tired all the time and can't just pop out to the shops, so I asked them to not eat the white bread that I need to eat because of my hiatus hernia, and to either eat the brown bread that one of the other MEBs make, or to buy some more bread. But will they help me out on this? Will they fuck. I'm sitting here starving. Wondering what to do. I put 4 sweetners in my tea instead of 2 and it's undrinkable. It's four flights of stairs back down to the kitchen which is beginning to seem like a marathon each time I have to attempt it.

I've been having a lot of dark thoughts lately. Like I'd be better off dead. I actually don't think it would make much difference to most people, and my house mates would probably not notice for a week or two, and then I doubt they'd really care. One less irritation in their lives.

I get quite angry when I'm depressed. It's a thing apparently. Something that happens especially to men. I'm angry about having lost control of my life, right down to the white bread situation. I fucking hate white bread, but I need to eat easily digestible food that won't sit in my stomach and cause acid reflux. I'm fucked and waiting for it all to be over, but the humiliations never seem to end. And I'm powerless to do anything about them.