Sunday 14 August 2011

Opposition

A number of voices are emerging which are critical of the welfare reforms:
Atos doctors could be struck off.
Twelve medics at the disability assessment centre are under investigation by the GMC over allegations of improper conduct. Guardian 14.8.11.

DWP admits disability reform based on dodgy figures, as reported by Left Foot Forward. 11.8.11

Statistics Authority steps in over disability benefits tests. Full Fact. 11.8.11.

These work capability assessments are a farce.
So, politicians designed an incapacity benefits system in which virtually nobody qualifies for help. How can that be justified?, Guardian. 26.7.11
Some of these via Benefit Scrounging Scum.

Meanwhile local housing charities, with encouragement our millionaire uni-student PM are taking it upon themselves to pre-empt the courts and punish rioters by evicting them from their houses. Apart from the alarming prospect of state sponsored vigilante justice (why not just lynch them and be done with?) we have to ask how evicting people who everyone acknowledges to have no stake in society is going to help?

Please write to your MP and ask them to put a stop to this madness and let the courts punish wrong doers. Let's tell David Cameron to just shut the fuck up. Cameron is not trained in law, or policing or any of the disciplines he is trying to micro-manage in the last few weeks. He's got a degree in economics, philosophy and politics, and work experience as a secretary. He is not fucking qualified to have an opinion, and that's why he has advisers. I was very pleased to see the police telling him to fuck off and mind his own business.

Tuesday 9 August 2011

London's Burning

Rioting for three nights running? WTF?

Saturday 30 July 2011

Digestion

I can confirm that Boot's fig syrup with Senna extra is a prodigious laxative.

Friday 22 July 2011

The Problem of Overview

My health problems cover many areas.
  • I suffer from anxiety, and from mood problems - dysthimia or depression.
  • I have fibro-myalgia - widespread pain, fatigue, and difficulty concentration.
  • I have recently been diagnosed with a hiatus hernia and have complications from that - difficulty and pain swallowing, constant indigestion and acid reflux (sometimes accompanied by intense pain).
So I went to the doctor today to say that the treatment for the swallowing problem and eventually got referred back to the Gastro-enterologist. But part of my problem is that I'm in pain all the time and I have been taking Non-stroidal Anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAID).

Now NSAIDs reduce the ability to protect the stomach lining from acid, and exacerbates acid reflux. So I've had to stop taking them. Which means I'm experiencing more pain. I can take less powerful NSAIDs (codiene/paracetamol) but it doesn't work that well. I need help with pain management, and I'm thinking of paying for a pain management course because the NHS does not seem to offer non-drug pain management. I can use my TENS machine, but it's expensive and not always effective.

All of this is making me pretty anxious about my health. I no longer take anxiety or depression drugs, and I try to manage without.

The GP manages to just about deal with the eosophagus problems, by getting me a referral. She glosses over the pain control problen, reassures me about the NSAIDs (I'm worried about my liver). But she doesn't really address my anxiety or mood, or overall pain problem at all. My quality of life is sucking at present. And no one amongst my medical support people have an overview of my health - not even my GP who is the generalist. The specialists only deal with problems in isolation - the are not able to link anxiety, FM, and other problems. So it's up to me to have my own overview, but I'm not in a good position to do that. I'm intelligent enough to understand medical jargon and concepts (I have a degree in science) but I don't have the resources and I don't have the emotional robustness.

Friday 15 July 2011

Government delays Welfare Reform Bill

The Government has been forced to delay the 2nd Reading of the flagship Bill in the Lords due to peers' concerns over the people affected.

DWP is suggesting other business has blocked progress but the surprise postponement till September from Tues will also give the Government time to lobby peers and answer the queries raised in DA's legal challenge.

from Disability Alliance, via Benefit Scrounging Scum.

And by Sunday 17th if I hadn't read this on BSS I would not have known about it, because it has not been reported in the mainstream media!

TENS

Ahhh. I got out my TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) machine again the other day and wired myself up for a couple of hours. This is a very useful form of pain relief. I find if I leave it on for a hour or two I get lasting relief from aches and pains. I got mine from Boots - it was on special because they were updating the old model. The new ones are expensive. Pads for it don't last very long, and they cost about £7, so overall it's not cheap. But when you've maxed out the your paracetamol or other painkillers for the day, or like me you are starting to get stomach problems from your NSAIDs, and you need a bit more relief, then this is that something extra that has no evil side-effects.

Thursday 14 July 2011

Shaw on Money

This quote is from a play by George Bernard Shaw Major Barbara, and it seems to sum up the Tory attitude quite well. It appears that Shaw did not intend this comment ironically and the protagonist of the play wrestles with her conscience of taking money from morally dubious sources for use in charitable work. In the preface he earnestly explains that "they would take money from the devil himself and be only too glad to get it out of his hands and into God's". This passage is also taken from the preface - again via the Oxford Concise Dictionary of Quotations.
"The universal regard for money is the one hopeful fact in our civilisation, the one sound spot in our social conscience. Money is the most important thing in the world. It represents health, strength, honour, and beauty as conspicuously as the want of it represents illness, weakness, disgrace, meanness, and ugliness."
This could be read different ways, but I think the way that Tories read this is that poor people are a disgrace to themselves, not to the nation; that poverty is a product of laziness and weakness on the part of the poor. That is to say that the Tories blame the victims of greed and oppression for being poor and downtrodden.

We can see that this underlying view is moderated to some extent by the liberal zeitgeist, but they're like racists that have learned to hold their tongues in public for fear of disapproval, but in private still find foreigners hateful (and their is a lot more of this here than anyone is admitting).

So being ill, and poor, and requiring support, is not a situation which stirs the Tory heart, the way that it moves the Left. The Right would gladly sacrifice the weak few to make the many stronger. They probably would not put it in these terms, but it's what it boils down to. To the right self-sufficiency is the highest good. To have to pay taxes to support the weak is something they oppose in their bones. This is partly why they wish to privatise everything. For private companies and the competition of the markets represent to them the apotheosis of the Darwinian view of evolution - privatisation, be weeding out the weaker members of the species, by preventing them from reproducing, makes the species stronger. Sadly they don't seem to have updated their ideas about evolution since Darwin and the Victorians. They certainly haven't read any Lynn Margulis for instance. Competition always creates more losers than winners, by definition.

The right are also deeply influenced, it sees to me, by Ayn Rand's ideology of rejecting altruism and embracing selfishness. If only, she said, everyone rationally pursued their self interest, the the maximum Good would be produced. And her ideas where enthusiastically taken up by economists who are the only people in the world who still believe in human beings making rational decisions! The trouble is we aren't rational beings, and she certainly wasn't. Given the disastrous results of the "greed is good" view of life, it is surprising that anyone at all believes in it. Markets and competition produce one or only a handful of winners, and a large number of losers. Is this not a summary of the credit crisis we're currently in. No bankers have gone to prison for defrauding us; a few people have been enriched to an astonishing degree and most of us are worse off and will being paying for it the rest of our lives. In fact those greedy people are the weakest members of our species because they endanger the many, they impoverish the many, they degrade our societies and communities. We need to weed them out, and suppress their regrowth. They are parasites, feeding on our blood. We need to think more in terms of balancing cooperation with competition. Cooperation means we all win. Competition only allows for one winner in each race.

Unfortunately the people in government are not vulnerable to poverty, and never have been because they increasingly from backgrounds of hereditary privilege . They have enough money and assets already to never have to work again and still live comfortable. They'll pass that on to their children along with introductions into positions of power. And they are dismantling the system which might counteract that, which might democratise education. Britain's brief flirtation with a meritocracy, which allowed leaders like Margaret Thatcher to rise to power from humble beginnings, seems to be over. Money makes the world go around for these people. Money is the most important thing. And not having it, or relying on handouts is once more coming to be seen as morally reprehensible.

I don't want to advocate violence, but I think the world would be a different place if Cameron could just be viciously mugged and beaten, or have his home burgled. Maybe then he'd have a sense of powerlessness and vulnerability for a moment. The fucker is so thick skinned though that one wonders what it would take for him to empathise with someone dependent on welfare. Let him contract a wasting disease while still in office and have to resign to a life of doctors visits, humiliating tests, drugs with unpleasant side-effects. Let him be incontinent, or unable to feed himself. Let him suffer a mental breakdown. I don't exactly wish this on him, but how else is he really going to understand what effect his policies have on the rest of us?




Wednesday 13 July 2011

Health

So, my stomach problems turned out to be a hiatus hernia. But now I'm getting complications - constant indigestion, difficulty swallowing, and discomfort shading into pain in my throat. We're working on the theory that it's my oesophagus being irritated and going into a spasm. So beefing up the proton-pump inhibitors and gaviscon for a bit to see if that helps. But it all seems to be getting worse at the moment.

I'm constantly tired and while not house bound, I'm not able to get out very much. A longish walk in the weekend and I'm still recovering! A symptom of fibromyalgia. I wake up stiff and aching, and not feeling refreshed. I read, write a bit, get bored, watch TV, and wonder whether this life is really worth persevering with.

It's all very frustrating. And meanwhile I wait for the axe to fall on my welfare payments. Like others I'm not sure how I'll cope. Is anyone really interested in employing a 45 year old, with multiple mental and physical health issues? Is there any job I could even do? Honestly I find it hard to imagine.

Tuesday 12 July 2011

Big Lies

Who said this?
Die breitte Masse eines Volkes.... einer grossen Lüge leichter zum Opfer fällt als einer kleiner.
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
Answer. Adolf Hitler. Mein Kampf. 1.x (via the Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations - I haven't been reading Mein Kampf!)

I was immediately struck by the press releases from the Government since they took office. So many big lies. Perhaps the most relevant one here is that people who receive welfare payments are greedy, lazy, deceptive, and basically criminal. This particular big lie has worked better than some of the others because there has not been a media outcry over this lie, whereas other lies have met considerable resistance.

Wednesday 6 July 2011

Corruption in medical research.

Psychiatrists Who Accepted Millions of Dollars from Drug Companies Now Face Restrictions

Three child psychiatrists at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School who pioneered the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in young children failed to disclose that they had accepted millions in fees from drugs companies, Mass General’s investigation, which concluded Friday, has found. The three are now barred from participating in non-research activities sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry for a year, among other restrictions.

via 80beats.
Well that will learn them... NOT

Tuesday 5 July 2011

British Media

Hear that sound, news media?
That is the sound of inevitability
(and I don't think you'll manage to dodge it like Neo did).

Melancholia

Via Neuroskeptic, from the British Journal of Psychiatry:

Melancholia - in 100 words
Max Fink and Michael A. Taylor

Melancholia is a classical episodic depressive disorder that combines mood, psychomotor, cognitive and vegetative components with high suicide risk. In the present psychiatric classification it is buried as a modifier in both bipolar and unipolar depressions. It is hardly used to characterise patients in the clinic or research. The syndrome is frequently recognised in delusional and agitated depression, and in the elderly. Cortisol or sleepEEG abnormalities are prognostically helpful. Melancholia is particularly responsive to tricyclic antidepressants and electroconvulsive therapy but not to selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or psychotherapy. Recognising melancholia as a distinct disorder improves clinical care and research.


Fibromyalgia Awareness Week, Sept 4-11


Caffe Nero

I like Caffe Nero - or some of them. The new one in town is in a good location and is nicely decorated. Nero's coffee is OK - my expectations are pretty low 9 years after leaving Auckland with it's fantastic coffee culture. So I was in yesterday and got a little card inviting me to do a survey. I wouldn't normally bother, but they were offering a chance to win free coffee for a year.

So I filled in the survey which has some mental questions like: "did the barista serve you with pride". How the fuck should I know? And especially in this country where shop drones generally hate their jobs, and hate talking to people. The guy talked to me, and seemed less than averagely surly. Does that translate into pride? Can one feel pride working as a coffee machine operator for a huge chain, wearing a cheap company teeshirt, and earning minimum wage? Could I? Doubt it, Harry.

Anyway I got through and was dumped on the Nero homepage. Here it says
"Caffè Nero Group Ltd was founded in 1997 and is currently the largest independent coffee retailer in the UK, with over 400 stores in the UK."
What does it mean to be independent when you are one of the largest chains in the country?Independent of what, or from whom? Is this English idiom, or is it business jargon? Anyway I'm not impressed. The words "independent" and "over 400 stores" cancel each other out. They're just a large coffee retailer, with all that this implies. But I will drink a shit load of coffee if I win the prize.

Monday 4 July 2011

Stomach problems.

So I looked back on my posts and see that I haven't mentioned my stomach problems. About 3 or 4 months ago I had an attack of chest pain that was frightening. It started off a bit like heart burn, but it kept getting worse until I was in a panic. The NHS direct person, asked me all the heart attack questions, ascertained that my life wasn't in danger, and talked me down. After about 3 hours in total the pain eased off and I felt OK.

Then more recently I had another attack that again was very painful and frightening. This time I got to the limit I could bare and it kept getting worse. One of the MEBs called NHS Direct who then sent an ambulance. The paramedics checked me out and once again ascertained it wasn't life threatening and suggested going to the late night doctor - not to A&E because it can take many hours to be treated there.

Cut a long story short I kept having minor attacks and the doctor sent me to the specialist, who ordered some tests. The ultrasound showed no all stones. The next one was a gastroscopy. I knew this would be stressful, but getting someone to go with me seemed even more stressful, so I elected not to have sedation. I took some valium in the morning, thinking it would take the end of anxiety. This was foolish in retrospect. A gastroscopy is a very invasive procedure. My body rebelled and was actively trying to expel the scope throughout the whole 5 minutes. By the end I was in shock and non-responsive. It took a while to come around, and if I bring it to mind I can feel the panic starting all over again!

The moral of the story is that if anyone ever offers me sedation for a medical procedure then I should definitely accept.

The upshot is that I have a hiatus hernia - the sphincter at the top of my stomach doesn't close properly and part of my stomach is protruding up through it (or something like that). Stomach acid is leaking into my oesophagus, and the intense burning pain is the result. There was also bile in my stomach, but I put this down to my gut going into drastic reverse with the tube down my throat.

Treatment is Proton-pump Inhibitors (stomach acid suppressant) and Gaviscon®. My problem is that I also take anti-inflammatory drugs for chronic pain. These drugs suppress the body's inflammation response, but problematically this is the same response that protects the stomach lining from acid - this exacerbates the problem by making my stomach more sensitive to irritation.

Sunday 3 July 2011

The maxim of the British people is 'Business as usual'.
- Winston Churchill, Guildhall, 9 Nov 1914.

Saturday 2 July 2011

We're doomed.

They're saying that Prince Charles pissed Tony Blair off with his interfering. I like Charles for having pissed of architects who make ugly buildings, and even more now that I've learned that he got up Blair's nose. Yay Charles!

In other political news in a leaked memo Eric Pickles has warned the current Prime Minister that welfare reforms could make 40,000 people homeless, and ultimately cost more money than they save. Some sense slipping through the blitzkrieg of propaganda from IDS's DWP.

One wag on the Guardian website has suggested the homeless move into vacated Habitat and Thortons. Habitat is already furnished as another commenter points out, though they doubt the homeless folk would appreciate the class of furniture in that now insolvent business. Both commentators seem to have forgotten that the government has just decided to make squatting illegal, so moving into unoccupied building is not on the cards. Besides have you seen the red tape involved in housing here? Hundred's of years of unscrupulous landlords have left the housing market massively over-regulated and hostile to most of their tenants. I was aghast to learn that you almost never get your bond back in this country if you're renting. In NZ you almost always get it back.

They just don't have a clue, do they? If ever there was an example of a university graduate being full of themselves, filled with theories and ideologies, but no practical understanding of how anything works it's David Cameron. He just has no idea what he's doing, no idea how to run the country or the economy. And, lord save us, the opposition are no better.

We're doomed! We really are doomed. Unless maybe Charles get's stuck into IDS and the ConDem coalition: "I say! Leave one's fucking people alone, you monstrous carbuncle!" (in my dreams, eh).

Friday 1 July 2011

Chuggers

I think I've written before about how and why I hate chuggers. The (southern) English norm is not to talk to strangers, not even to make eye contact. Walk around a typical urban mall (pronounced to rhyme with 'well') and you see a lot of people milling around like they're the only person there, carefully avoiding the human shaped objects in their path - and if you do happen to come to another persons attention, by being tripped over or run into, then the thing to do is apologise. I've started doing this! In shops the people behind the tills are like this as well - they'd rather not be talking to you most of the time. England is the ideal place for self-service checkouts. I've had conversations with strangers here, but not with English people, only with Kiwis, Aussies, Yanks, and more recently a Thai student.

What's more I'm 45 and chronically ill, so I don't look very attractive to a 20-something, and the young women especially just don't see me any more. It's one of the things about getting older, and I can see why men my age sometimes go wild and have a crisis! For myself I'm heading towards conscious celibacy, but that's another story.

Chuggers break these rules. They approach strangers in the street. Not only do they break the rules, but they employ very clumsy and obvious ruses. The men are suddenly a long lost friend, very pleased to see you. The women are similar except some of them flirt at the same time.

You see English people caught in this trap. Politeness dictates that when someone approaches you with this kind of ruse that you stop and make contact - they may need directions, or they may want to know the time. There's a tension because they may be a drug addict wanting "a pound for a cup of tea" (yeah, right!), but the chuggers are well dressed and smiling. Then they realise they've made a mistake and they can't be rude and just walk away, they have to explain why. It's not that English people are ungenerous. No. English people are incredibly generous and give huge amounts to charities, and the govt. has just committed to increase overseas aid at a time when it is slashing local spending. Often you'll hear the victim explaining that they support a number of charities already and I believe them.

Now a couple of days ago I was wandering home - tired, depressed, minding my own business (fitting in) - when a chugger approached me from behind. Normally I see them coming, make eye contact - I'm better than most English people at this game - firmly shake my head, and mouth the syllable "no". It works about 80% of the time. The more persistent chugger keeps on going like it's the most natural thing to talk to strangers, and that I seem like just the kind of person they want to talk to. But I give my initial response and just keep walking. Because under normal circumstances these scumbags wouldn't give me the time of day, let alone engage me in a pleasant conversation! But being approached from behind is something new. I had this young women tagging along behind me trying to get my attention. I'd seen her out of the corner of my eye as I'd left the shop, so I knew she was a chugger - fortunately they wear uniforms of a sort. So I just kept walking. I didn't want to talk to anyone, let along a chugger. And she kept it up, chasing me down the street for about 10 or 15 seconds. This is quite a long time if you think about it. If someone didn't answer their phone in this time, you'd think they weren't in and hang up. Then I didn't quite catch the parting comment, but the tone of voice was incredibly sarcastic. Like I was being an arsehole for not responding.

Chuggers: you guys are the arseholes. I hate been approached under false pretences, whether you be a junky, a politician or a charity worker. You don't want a chat, you don't think I'm interesting, you don't think I'm attractive, I'm not your mate. So please, cut the crap. Don't bullshit me. You approach me because you've done a calculation in your head that you might be able to get money out of me, and this is how you make your living. You are parasites on the generosity of other people. So just fuck off. If I was to give to charity it would be directly, bypassing the need for your salary to eat into my donation.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Marsha Linehan

Expert on Mental Illness Reveals Her Own Fight - New York Times.

Long interview with some video of the pioneer of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy - which I know from experience is very helpful. She reveals her own struggles with mental illness, her hospitalisation and treatment (including drugs and ECT):
Any real treatment would have to be based not on some theory, she later concluded, but on facts: which precise emotion led to which thought led to the latest gruesome act. It would have to break that chain — and teach a new behavior.

"I was in hell," she said. "And I made a vow: when I get out, I'm going to come back and get others out of here."

Tuesday 28 June 2011

Tobacco pushers to sue government

Philip Morris to sue if Australia puts all cigarettes in plain green wrappers

Tobacco firm claims Canberra's ban on logos and other packaging restrictions will lose it billions

Guardian.

Note that the UK govt is talking about doing this as well! As I said earlier.

"The Office for National Statistics doesn't publish tobacco death rates on it's website but theNHS reckons the deaths attributable to tobacco in England in 2008 was 84,000. That's about 236 a day, or 10 per hour! So 25 in 2.5 hours. Assuming the same smoking patterns in the rest of the UK that's about 98,000 for the UK, giving 268 per day, 11 per hour, and 25 in 136 minutes."
Tobacco is a killer. Just ban it. Just make it illegal and fuck the greedy bastards who supply it. Drug pushers.

Monday 27 June 2011

Fibromyalgia Drugs

Drug Class Review: Drugs for Fibromyalgia: Final Original Report [Internet].
Smith B, Peterson K, Fu R, McDonagh M, Thakurta S.
Portland (OR): Oregon Health & Science University; 2011 Apr.
Drug Class Reviews.

"We compared the effectiveness and harms of tricyclic antidepressants, serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, noradrenergic and specific serotonergic reuptake inhibitor, norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor, serotonin receptor antagonist, antiepileptic drugs, and skeletal muscle relaxants in adults with fibromyalgia."
Abstract and conclusions online via PubMed.

Good article on so-called Chemical Imbalances

"Neither – in relation to the fastest rising [mental health] diagnoses – is there any evidence of chemical imbalances in the brains of patients. In other words, the problem the [psychiatric] drugs are supposed to solve is an illusion."
"No-one has ever measured the chemical composition of a living human brain."
Neuroskeptic compares the Brain to soup, and treating mental illness as tweaking the ingredients. He doesn't do this to belittle or trivialise, he does it to show what a blunt instrument psychiatry is, and how dosing people with chemicals that affect brain chemistry can be a very doubtful way to get results.

Tuesday 21 June 2011

Cameron is a Fucking HYPOCRITE

David Cameron intervenes over BBC plan to axe his local news service

Guardian.

There is NO BENEFIT to Being Debilitated!

Glancing at the disabilities and welfare blogs I read I can see that the situation is dire in the UK. We're doomed basically. All kinds of other policy initiatives introduced by the manic phase new government are being reversed or rethought because they are incredibly unpopular. Welfare reform is not unpopular. And one has to ask whether this is because from day one, aided by a parasitic news media culture, the DWP waged a propaganda war against the benefit system, often stretching the truth to make their point, and making the most extreme abuses seem like the norm for all benefit claimants? Or is the popularity of welfare reform really what people want? I would argue that it is a clear case of manufacturing consent.

The very language here is fucked. The welfare payment is not a benefit, it's a fucking consolation for losing your job (so often because of economic forces outside your control) and/or becoming so ill that one cannot work. It's a minimal payment - and they reinforce the minimal in their communication with the applicant: "this is just enough to stop you dying, but don't get cocky".

There is no benefit to becoming so ill you have to stop working. Even Pollyanna would struggle to look on the bright side of debilitating illness - oh yes it's great not having to work, and the charity shops have the most intriguing range of hand-me-downs; if only I were not in constant pain and able to walk I would feel I was the luckiest person in the world. NOT. And welfare is not claimed, it is applied for certainly, but it is granted by the powers that be whose mercy we are at, and we are never allowed to forget it! Rather than a benefit claimant I would prefer to be known as a Consolation Grant Applicant, and the payment to be called a grant rather than a benefit.

The trouble is no one is listening to people who rely on welfare payments. All they see is someone getting something for nothing. So, even more than bankers, the system targets those who receive welfare, and the general population either supports the measure or quietly turns away and let's it happen. Pray you never get ill - all you able bodied people out there. Pray. Because once you do become ill, you become "outcast".

NHS Reform

From Bananas in Pyjamas: Some free advice on achieving 'world class NHS productivity' McKinsey style.

Friday 10 June 2011

No Sex is OK.

So... it's been ten days since I stopped masturbating every day with the aid of fantasies and porn. I was only an occasional porn user, but I used both porn and pornographic fantasies to create desire in order to get to orgasm. You might not think this is a bad thing, but I got to reading about the effects of hyper-stimulation and the dulling of the pleasure response in relation to my long history of anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia and (these days) chronic fatigue.

And the result? Almost no spontaneous sexual desire. No daytime erections. Almost no thinking about sex. The urge to masturbate is not presently linked to physical desire. It is linked to habit, and neurotic pleasure seeking. Whether or not it is related I don't know but I am experiencing quite severe insomnia at present. I've cut down a little on chocolate as well (one 100g bar of 70% a day is limit!) and that may be it. I do notice that being in the presence of an attractive women - and I live in a University/tourist town so it's heaving with them - makes me feel uncomfortable or restless. But it's not a groin sensation at all. So I'm just looking away and trying not to think about it. And actually it's fine. When I'm not artificially stimulating my sexual desire, it's very low indeed - and well it may be as I'm in pain & tired most of the time. Actually I think I feel less lonely in the last week or so.

So this is something worth blogging about. There's a lot of political shit going on in the UK. A lot of stuff that I can't really keep up with - a constant barrage of propaganda from the DWP which is clearly designed to reduce sympathy for the beneficiaries of the nation. And it seems to be working as there are massive protests against heath and education plans, and policy U-turns, bu there is no organised response to benefit cuts. Of course those of us on benefits are not really in as good a position as educators and doctors to defend ourselves. But I find it all too much and too depressing. Others are doing a good job of commenting in blogs.

Still waiting for the Work Capacity Assessment axe to fall, and constantly anxious about that.

Saturday 4 June 2011

The Pleasure Response and Me

After reading this article: "Day 64: Successful, great, normal sex" I started to think about my sex life, such as it is, in a new way. I use porn occasionally, but fantasize a lot. I've also been reading Keith Richards about Heroin addiction and why you suffer so much getting off it - it floods the endorphin receptors in the brain which then stops making it's own. So when you stop taking heroin it takes 72 hours to reboot the brain to make it's own endorphins. Something similar happens with orgasm and the pleasure processing circuits in the brain. I dabbled in the Gupta Amygdala Retraining program last year which is about treating an overloaded fight/flight response (as I understand it). So all of these are related to over-stimulation of various brain modules or circuits which interrupts natural functioning.

What occurred to me is that I cannot remember the last time I had a natural erection. I can give myself one, and I don't having too much problem reaching orgasm, but from day to day I don't get them spontaneously. From what I've read each orgasm has quite long lasting effects on the brain and especially the pleasure response. Even once a day orgasm with fantasy or porn to artificially stimulate sexual response dulls the pleasure response. The man in the article suffered from erectile dysfunction - and I gather this is quite common.

So at the moment I'm refraining from fantasy and masturbation. I'm not making a decision to be celibate, though I'm seriously thinking about it for the first time in my life. But I'm trying to avoid fantasising and artificial stimulation. Let's see what happens. After three nights of no fantasies and no masturbation, I still have not had a spontaneous erection during the day.

I'm also feeling more concerned about my addiction to chocolate now. If I cut down I get headaches and feel lousy and miserable. I got up to a bar and a half of dark chocolate (150g) for a while - and I'm paying for this out of my benefit. It's crazy. So I'm cutting down to one bar for a start. I can't tackle everything at once. I'll see how it goes, but I'd like to be free not to eat chocolate. Any reduction in my intake takes about 2 weeks to adjust to - it's much worse than coffee! (and coffee is no substitute)!

I want also to look at my food more generally. I've been having bad stomach problems including one ambulance call out because of extreme pain! I'm getting it all looked at, and being pretty careful about what I eat. But my diet succumbed some time ago (I never recovered from Christmas basically). High glycemic index foods cause a major impact on the body. I'm putting on weight again, because I'm over eating and not sticking the guidelines for healthy eating.

The trouble is getting through the stress caused by the change. So one thing at a time, and baby steps! But I'm concerned that this phenomenon of over stimulation might be having a major impact on me. Basically I'm easily stimulated. There's not a great deal of difference between the various kinds of arousal - difficult to physiologically tell fear from anger for instance as they involve the same hormones, and other autonomic responses. Perhaps if I can reduce the over stimulation from various sources I might find it has a overall beneficial effect on my Fibromyalgia too.

Tuesday 1 March 2011

Depressing future for men?

"Emory University experts predict that rates of depressive disorders among men will increase as the 21st century progresses."

but...

" new research by George Mason University psychology professor Todd Kashdan shows that being a mindful person not only makes you generally more tolerant and less defensive, but it can also actually neutralize fears of dying and death."

Sunday 27 February 2011

My family

About 4 years ago my younger brother got drunk and was being an arsehole at a small gathering at his house down near London. He was being rude to my Mum and then rude to me, and so I said I'd prefer not to communicate that way and he told me to "Fuck off". So I did. But on the way out I made the mistake of venting my own spleen, and this meant leaving the house with my brother behind me screaming insults and abuse at me. It was all a bit distressing, and we haven't patched it up, or even tried. I don't want to be yelled at, and I suppose I haven't really forgiven him for some of the things he said about my mental health. Yes, Chris I am "dysfunctional" thanks for pointing that out! I am the one who's been in hospital, attempted suicide, on medication, and in therapy over the years. That's me. That's not you - you're the one who earns £60 per hour, has a wife, and three kids; you're the one who has something like a normal life. Yeah, mate, you got that one right.

Anyway one of me other brothers sent round a family email with lots of addresses on it. And Chris replied to all - so that I got his response which included a blurb about his kids and some photos. It was pretty weird to get this accidental update after years of being in Coventry. I felt uncomfortable and a little angry. I decided to block that particular email address - it was a work one and he changes his job every 6 months anyway.

Meanwhile my Mum is just back from another stint in Africa as a missionary. Safe and well, thank God. Conditions are primitive where she goes. I don't begrudge her doing it, spending my inheritance(!), but at 71 and with two artificial hips, I worry about her.

Saturday 26 February 2011

Back

Well it's been a long while since I blogged here. Christmas was a bit of a nightmare - I tried to stay on my strict diet and went a bit mental. Couldn't do it and felt guilty. Got depressed. Fell apart. I never like Christmas anyway, but this one was the worst.

So now I'm getting back on my feet a bit. Diet kind of working again, though this week has not been as successful as last - dieting requires momentum, and having lost mine I'm struggling to get it back. Still I'm under 85 kg now, and my BMI is about 27.

A couple of nights ago I have terrible burning pain in my chest and thought I might have to call an ambulance. I did call NHS Direct who were quite helpful - thanks to Daren in Newcastle. It came on about 1.30am and lasted an hour and a half. I've had some blood tests done, and will have an endoscopy which will be fun (NOT). This is probably caused by long term anti-inflammatory use.

Otherwise my health is not too bad. Stable with some pain but not unmanageable. I don't know when my Work Capability Assessment will be, but it must be coming up. I'm terrified that they're going to try to force me back into work - I don't think I could do it. I still have no effective treatment for my fibromyalgia other than rest and not doing things that aggravate it. I really struggle with relating to other people, and get stressed very easily and quickly. With thousands of able bodied and sound minded people out of work who need jobs and who can't survive on the benefit I wonder what the point of me competing with them is.

I don't believe David Cameron - we are not all in this together. David is a millionaire who is not having to personally cut back. The rich have gotten richer during the financial crisis and the middle and the poor are paying directly for it. We're paying in reduced benefits, higher prices, in reduced local services, in lost jobs. They're getting million pound bonuses for fucks sake. How did no banker end up in jail over the fraud involved in sub-prime mortgages? If it were not for the fact that they'd just deport me, I might be up for some direct action against bankers. Those bastards at Barclays that made record profits and only paid 1% tax - how does that work? Royal Bank of Scotland makes a loss and pays the CEO a cool £2 million bonus for running the business into the ground. Something is rotten in the city of London!

The good news is that one of the MEBs is moving out. I found P quite stressful to live with. He is a noisy eater which I hate. I hate the sound of other people eating -it's like finger nails on a blackboard to me, and that's when everyone is eating with their mouths closed and not slurping. He's also a terrible cook, producing quite the worst food I've ever had served up to me in several decades of communal living. But the worst thing is that outside the house he's very active doing all kinds of things, but inside he's very passive. He'll go the extra mile to help someone with a fund-raising event, but does the absolute minimum around the house. And being passive he responds to feedback with passive aggression. So ask him to clean up the shit he's left lying around and he'll just sulk, and do the thing he should have done without being asked in the most ungracious manner short of telling you to fuck off. He won't not do it, but he'll let you know that it's only because you've been a dick about it. He's just a pain in the arse to live with - but not a bad person. Anyway I'm pleased he's going. We're replacing him with a guy who's also quite young (30's) but seems a bit less green.

One thing about English men that I find incomprehensible is the way they wash dishes - this seems to be almost universal. They seem to have a rule that one sink of water, with minimal suds, is the maximum and no matter how full of grease and food it gets, no matter how thick and soupy, that it cannot be replaced. Often the dishes are coming out with more grease on them than they went in with. So it's no surprise that I have to check every dish and mug in the cupboard before using it - about 50% of the time there is enough residue to make me less than keen to eat off it. And they get quite shitty if I suggest that they cannot clean dishes in dirty water. I suppose that's what they've grown up with? And P was one of the worst at this as well.

So hopefully I get back to more regular reportage of my life amongst the English and the MEBs, and dealing with mental and physical health problems, and living on benefits.

Saturday 15 January 2011

TESCO International Calling Card

Beware of this international calling card scam. The rates look good but you lose it all after 90 days - the card expires after 90 days of purchase date and all your money goes with it. So I lost most of my £10. They don't warn you and it's only in the fine print.

If you ring the 0845 no there's nothing they can do.

The TESCO International calling card is a rip-off

I've asked the manager of the store where I bought my card to see what he can do. I want a refund! Then I'll be using a different card!

Tuesday 11 January 2011

Festive Message from my Bank

"The Clydesdale Bank would like to advise customers to be extra careful regarding the security of your Internet Banking access on the run up to Christmas. Always check your account transactions regularly, don't disclose your details to a third party and NEVER open, respond to or click on any links in emails purporting to come from the Clydesdale Bank or any other financial institution. Remember that the Clydesdale Bank would NEVER contact customers via a personal email address regarding Internet Banking. If you receive an email you believe to be fraudulent, please forward it to reportphishing-CB@CBonline.co.uk, for investigation, then DELETE THE EMAIL. If you are ever asked to answer more than one security question or asked to confirm full password please contact the Internet Banking Helpdesk on 08447 362616 immediately. Further information regarding security advice is available within the Internet Banking pages on our website www.CBonline.co.uk, look for the section entitled Security."
Thanks for that, and Merry Christmas to you to.