I have to say that there are days when having Complex Type 2 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dysthymia, Fibromyalgia, and a Hiatus Hernia is a bit of a drag. Lately I've been spicing it up with panic attacks and mild paranoia. I know that people are not aiming to harm me, but try telling my endocrine system!
I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Monday, 18 February 2013
The last few weeks have been interesting. When you have chronic illnesses there are always the extreme days - days when one is either caught up in illness, or blithely unaware of it. And especially with mental problems there are days of clarity amidst suffering.
I'm trapped in some behaviours which had survival value 40 years ago - it's painful and frightening for me and those around me. But I'm seeing it reasonably clearly. My primary orientation to the world is: who or what is a threat? Early experience tells me that any person can suddenly switch from friend to foe. Trust no one. That experience tells me that conflicts result in me getting hurt, thus it is vital for me to avoid conflict. I'm almost always on edge.
It's important to be able to anticipate what people are going to say in order to predict possible threats. I had a quick mind anyway, but this pushed it's development in a particular direction. I can scan ahead using patterns to predict how people will unfold an argument, and anticipate it, and often be ready to respond before the person stops talking. I know that everyone does this, but I think I do it for different reasons and to a greater extent. It is about trying to appear dominant, but not because I feel superior. Quite the opposite. I feel inferior and vulnerable.
I was severely bullied at primary school (broken arm at one point) and a good deal of secondary school. But in addition my neighbourhood was violent and unpredictable, as were members of my family.
For me the best solution to an anticipated conflict is to hide. To physically hide if possible, or to shield myself mentally and emotionally if not. Thus drugs and alcohol were welcome in my life, though destructive. And if I could not hide then I would make a show of strength to discourage opponents. This dynamic came out particularly with my younger brother. C used to take out his frustrations on me by verbally winding me up. I was often left in charge and he resented it. I think he wanted his Dad, and his Dad was simply not available as he lived a long way away and our mother vehemently hated and denigrated him. So C would needle me until I thumped him, then having reached this climax things would calm down for a while. But it festered and we are now estranged. I had the same kind of relationship with my older brother A, though he moved to another country which helped to diffuse things. The oldest S seemed to somehow not be drawn into the conflicts. As I got older I became more adept at avoiding the conflicts, but also mired in drugs. I had a series of breakdowns, was repeated diagnosed with depression, though it's clear to me now that depression was only a symptom of a much deeper problem (complex type 2 post-traumatic stress disorder)
And yet within this I'm high functioning. I do have friends, I did get married even though it didn't last. I am a member of a spiritual community. I have long periods when the anxieties and paranoia are in the background. But there are many triggers.
The latest flair up revolved around my birthday. It's so complex that it's hard to know where to start. I had been feeling left out - but then I hide often so I was also opting out. I partly opt out because I feel ill in one way or another; partly because the group I currently live with are difficult. They are cliquey - a group of friends linked as much as anything by common interests in TV shows and films, though it does go deeper I suppose. I don't see much else. From time to time they just seem to rub my nose in being an outsider: dinner time will change without me being told so I come down half an hour late; they'll all be watching a movie without asking me to join them. Stuff like that. Though on the latter subject they all seem to enjoy films that I don't. I struggle with violence in films and with love stories. They watch the latest violent movies and say it doesn't affect them. But I can't watch, say, a Bond film without it having a serious impact on me. I experience strong anxiety and distress.
So I'm not really fitting in. I'm frustrated by the lack of care shown in particular areas of the house. I'm frustrated that I've gone from having everyone's respect to seemingly not having respect. It used to be my home, but now it's this house where I live and I'm this awkward bugger that no one really wants to spend time with. I have to confess that I've been making sure to take my pain meds (codeine) just before dinner so I'm a bit fuzzy at the table - I'm anxious and tell myself I can't face it straight. Probably a mistake.
About two weeks ago I asked for my usual decaf tea after dinner and the idiot who was making the drinks gave me ordinary tea. I always drink decaf because of insomnia. And he's known me for 3 or 4 years now. He knows, but he's not very mindful. He gets focussed on one thing and forgets everything else. And we have this coffee machine now that is complicated to use. Drink making is now about 75% making espressos for the in-crowd, and 25% making tea for the rest of us (about half of us don't drink coffee). Anyway I didn't sleep much that night, and I have a full day the next couple of days and I felt very tired.
A couple of days later we're sitting having dinner on our home night - where we clean up and do some activity together. I was really tired and didn't say anything all night. I felt depressed. And no one spoke to me - they ask each other how their day was but not me. Until suddenly I was being asked to lead the activity - and this particular thing I don't really do any more. And especially not when I'm tired and depressed. And after not having talked to me all night, one of the others starts pressuring me to say more. It's done in that English way of understated passive aggressive needling. I'm upset at being put on the spot, and I blurt out about the wrong tea and not sleeping. I'm angry and can't hide it. Which gets everyone's backs up.
So my birthday rolls around. A few years back the guys would club together and buy the birthday boy a nice present. Now we do it out of a common fund, and they just pick something off your Amazon wish list. It has become perfunctory. No one really makes an effort. Though I notice that people that are more cliquey buy gifts for each other. And I couldn't bring myself to celebrate my birthday with these people. It felt hypocritical. So I ran away to London for the afternoon and evening, had dinner down there and came back late. Without telling anyone - hiding again.
There are so many little things that I find difficult here. But they're turning into big things. I'm so bloody over-sensitive it's painful. That image of being flayed alive and having no protection from contact - the agony of it. I can relate to that. But I'm so fearful of moving. It's incredible expensive here - agents extort fees here that are unreal. Plus you almost never get your bond back. The agent charges the tenant for services provided to the landlord; and relentlessly takes money where ever they can. And it's very difficult to get anything fixed or upgraded. Such a different experience to renting in NZ where laws favour tenants. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where would I get the money to move? How can I stay here? A council flat might be an option but I've been discouraged because for every place there are about 100 people looking in this town (and I understand that we are reasonably well off). Moving back home to NZ? I just don't see a way to do it and survive.
I'm trapped in some behaviours which had survival value 40 years ago - it's painful and frightening for me and those around me. But I'm seeing it reasonably clearly. My primary orientation to the world is: who or what is a threat? Early experience tells me that any person can suddenly switch from friend to foe. Trust no one. That experience tells me that conflicts result in me getting hurt, thus it is vital for me to avoid conflict. I'm almost always on edge.
It's important to be able to anticipate what people are going to say in order to predict possible threats. I had a quick mind anyway, but this pushed it's development in a particular direction. I can scan ahead using patterns to predict how people will unfold an argument, and anticipate it, and often be ready to respond before the person stops talking. I know that everyone does this, but I think I do it for different reasons and to a greater extent. It is about trying to appear dominant, but not because I feel superior. Quite the opposite. I feel inferior and vulnerable.
I was severely bullied at primary school (broken arm at one point) and a good deal of secondary school. But in addition my neighbourhood was violent and unpredictable, as were members of my family.
For me the best solution to an anticipated conflict is to hide. To physically hide if possible, or to shield myself mentally and emotionally if not. Thus drugs and alcohol were welcome in my life, though destructive. And if I could not hide then I would make a show of strength to discourage opponents. This dynamic came out particularly with my younger brother. C used to take out his frustrations on me by verbally winding me up. I was often left in charge and he resented it. I think he wanted his Dad, and his Dad was simply not available as he lived a long way away and our mother vehemently hated and denigrated him. So C would needle me until I thumped him, then having reached this climax things would calm down for a while. But it festered and we are now estranged. I had the same kind of relationship with my older brother A, though he moved to another country which helped to diffuse things. The oldest S seemed to somehow not be drawn into the conflicts. As I got older I became more adept at avoiding the conflicts, but also mired in drugs. I had a series of breakdowns, was repeated diagnosed with depression, though it's clear to me now that depression was only a symptom of a much deeper problem (complex type 2 post-traumatic stress disorder)
And yet within this I'm high functioning. I do have friends, I did get married even though it didn't last. I am a member of a spiritual community. I have long periods when the anxieties and paranoia are in the background. But there are many triggers.
The latest flair up revolved around my birthday. It's so complex that it's hard to know where to start. I had been feeling left out - but then I hide often so I was also opting out. I partly opt out because I feel ill in one way or another; partly because the group I currently live with are difficult. They are cliquey - a group of friends linked as much as anything by common interests in TV shows and films, though it does go deeper I suppose. I don't see much else. From time to time they just seem to rub my nose in being an outsider: dinner time will change without me being told so I come down half an hour late; they'll all be watching a movie without asking me to join them. Stuff like that. Though on the latter subject they all seem to enjoy films that I don't. I struggle with violence in films and with love stories. They watch the latest violent movies and say it doesn't affect them. But I can't watch, say, a Bond film without it having a serious impact on me. I experience strong anxiety and distress.
So I'm not really fitting in. I'm frustrated by the lack of care shown in particular areas of the house. I'm frustrated that I've gone from having everyone's respect to seemingly not having respect. It used to be my home, but now it's this house where I live and I'm this awkward bugger that no one really wants to spend time with. I have to confess that I've been making sure to take my pain meds (codeine) just before dinner so I'm a bit fuzzy at the table - I'm anxious and tell myself I can't face it straight. Probably a mistake.
About two weeks ago I asked for my usual decaf tea after dinner and the idiot who was making the drinks gave me ordinary tea. I always drink decaf because of insomnia. And he's known me for 3 or 4 years now. He knows, but he's not very mindful. He gets focussed on one thing and forgets everything else. And we have this coffee machine now that is complicated to use. Drink making is now about 75% making espressos for the in-crowd, and 25% making tea for the rest of us (about half of us don't drink coffee). Anyway I didn't sleep much that night, and I have a full day the next couple of days and I felt very tired.
A couple of days later we're sitting having dinner on our home night - where we clean up and do some activity together. I was really tired and didn't say anything all night. I felt depressed. And no one spoke to me - they ask each other how their day was but not me. Until suddenly I was being asked to lead the activity - and this particular thing I don't really do any more. And especially not when I'm tired and depressed. And after not having talked to me all night, one of the others starts pressuring me to say more. It's done in that English way of understated passive aggressive needling. I'm upset at being put on the spot, and I blurt out about the wrong tea and not sleeping. I'm angry and can't hide it. Which gets everyone's backs up.
So my birthday rolls around. A few years back the guys would club together and buy the birthday boy a nice present. Now we do it out of a common fund, and they just pick something off your Amazon wish list. It has become perfunctory. No one really makes an effort. Though I notice that people that are more cliquey buy gifts for each other. And I couldn't bring myself to celebrate my birthday with these people. It felt hypocritical. So I ran away to London for the afternoon and evening, had dinner down there and came back late. Without telling anyone - hiding again.
There are so many little things that I find difficult here. But they're turning into big things. I'm so bloody over-sensitive it's painful. That image of being flayed alive and having no protection from contact - the agony of it. I can relate to that. But I'm so fearful of moving. It's incredible expensive here - agents extort fees here that are unreal. Plus you almost never get your bond back. The agent charges the tenant for services provided to the landlord; and relentlessly takes money where ever they can. And it's very difficult to get anything fixed or upgraded. Such a different experience to renting in NZ where laws favour tenants. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where would I get the money to move? How can I stay here? A council flat might be an option but I've been discouraged because for every place there are about 100 people looking in this town (and I understand that we are reasonably well off). Moving back home to NZ? I just don't see a way to do it and survive.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Housing Benefit - effective reductions
I've received my latest assessment for Housing Benefit. I gave the Council notice in July when I received notice from my landlord of the annual increase - which this year was well above inflation. The increase started in Oct. The Council sent me the assessment on 3 Dec. Are they overworked?
The upshot is that for the third year in a row my rent has increased at more than inflation and my benefit award has stayed the same. This amounts to an effective 10% reduction in Housing Benefit. And that extra comes out of ESA (Income Support as was).
If Housing Benefit does keep pace with rents then the poor will be getting poorer. I'm not too badly off being single, frugal and living in shared accommodation, but for some people this effective reduction in the amount of money they get will be hurting.
The upshot is that for the third year in a row my rent has increased at more than inflation and my benefit award has stayed the same. This amounts to an effective 10% reduction in Housing Benefit. And that extra comes out of ESA (Income Support as was).
If Housing Benefit does keep pace with rents then the poor will be getting poorer. I'm not too badly off being single, frugal and living in shared accommodation, but for some people this effective reduction in the amount of money they get will be hurting.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
ESA and WCA
So. I last mentioned that I was waiting for my WCA results in August (4 Aug 2012). The result came that I have been put into a Work-Related Activity Group. And at the time I had no idea what this meant. It sounded like a scheme to get me back into work. I could have saved myself a lot more misery by reading more about the process, but at the time I was in no fit state to go seeking information - this is part of the problem, yes? And when you get the letter there's really nothing to say what it means.
What it means is:
A couple of weeks later I was summoned for my work-focussed interview. Each letter one gets from the DWP is combined with a subtlety stated threat that if one does not comply one's benefits will be cut off.
So I attended the interview where I alternated between extreme hostility verging on paranoid about how this might affect my appeal, and breaking down in tears. And it took some time for the information to sink in that I was not expected to look for work, but that if I did decide to do so they're support me in some way. It took a long time to get an answer to what "support" means. It seems to me that it's aimed at people who're never worked (whereas I was a professional for many years before becoming ill) or who were living really sheltered lives. Which I suppose I am, though I'm reluctant to see myself this way.
After this as I say I decided to continue my appeal. I must say a big THANK YOU to the Citizen's Advice Bureau who coached me through the stages of the appeal and gave me an over-view of the process. I can recommend CAB to anyone thinking of appealing a WCA judgement.
To support my appeal I had to approach medical professionals and ask for their help. My GP was very helpful and supportive and wrote a note which emphasised the points that I had asked him to more or less. Part of the CAB strategy is to go through the transcript of the WCA and identify places where one got less points than one should have, and ask Drs etc to reinforce the need for more points. I also approached the past pyschotherapist I had seen and asked for her help which was also generously and compassionately given. (And she said that she thinks I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which I'm not sure we had discussed before). Then I wrote, with the help of a friend, a long critique of the WCA pointing out inaccuracies, omissions, and numerous spelling and grammatical errors! I bundled it all up and sent it off.
And I won! I WON! I got moved to the Support group:
That said I'm looking into ways of escaping from the system. I am looking at full-time study. This would be extremely challenging both physically and mentally but it might be doable with the right help. I'm more than capable of getting a PhD but my illnesses at various stages have made me back away from following through on my potential. My interests have changed since I last considered the possibility and I would need to do an MA or similar in my chosen subject before enrolling for a PhD. I'm using this year as a run up and a chance to explore funding opportunities for a one year MA or MPhil. It's what I love doing anyway and would take about 5 years. Not a bad five year plan! After that who knows?
This process has been six months of debilitating stress:
What it means is:
"Claimants identified for this group will take part in work-focused interviews with a personal adviser, and have access to a range of support to help them prepare for suitable work."
A guide to Employment and Support Allowance – The Work Capability Assessment. ESA214. June 2011Anyway I decided to appeal without the full information. But once I found out I decided to see it through for several reasons. I felt I needed more support from the government, and I did not want to be subjected to the horrors of the WCA again. I haven't written about my experience of the WCA yet, but it was traumatic. But I also just wanted to appeal to say FUCK YOU to the system that was saying fuck you, to me. I wanted time and resources to be tied up. I wanted to contribute to the wave of appeals, to boost the statistics that the WCA does not work.
A couple of weeks later I was summoned for my work-focussed interview. Each letter one gets from the DWP is combined with a subtlety stated threat that if one does not comply one's benefits will be cut off.
So I attended the interview where I alternated between extreme hostility verging on paranoid about how this might affect my appeal, and breaking down in tears. And it took some time for the information to sink in that I was not expected to look for work, but that if I did decide to do so they're support me in some way. It took a long time to get an answer to what "support" means. It seems to me that it's aimed at people who're never worked (whereas I was a professional for many years before becoming ill) or who were living really sheltered lives. Which I suppose I am, though I'm reluctant to see myself this way.
After this as I say I decided to continue my appeal. I must say a big THANK YOU to the Citizen's Advice Bureau who coached me through the stages of the appeal and gave me an over-view of the process. I can recommend CAB to anyone thinking of appealing a WCA judgement.
To support my appeal I had to approach medical professionals and ask for their help. My GP was very helpful and supportive and wrote a note which emphasised the points that I had asked him to more or less. Part of the CAB strategy is to go through the transcript of the WCA and identify places where one got less points than one should have, and ask Drs etc to reinforce the need for more points. I also approached the past pyschotherapist I had seen and asked for her help which was also generously and compassionately given. (And she said that she thinks I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which I'm not sure we had discussed before). Then I wrote, with the help of a friend, a long critique of the WCA pointing out inaccuracies, omissions, and numerous spelling and grammatical errors! I bundled it all up and sent it off.
And I won! I WON! I got moved to the Support group:
Support Group: If the effects of a claimant's health condition or disability are so severe that it would be unreasonable to expect them to prepare for work, they will join the Support Group. These claimants will receive the higher rate of Employment and Support Allowance and do not have to take part in any work-related activity as a condition of receiving benefit (although they can volunteer to do so). ESA214And the good news is that I get about £20 extra a week. Now I'm still not sure how long this will last, or whether they will force me to undergo the WCA again soon, but I did point out that in the three years between my initial assessment for Incapacity Benefit and Employment Support Allowance my condition had not changed, and that the balance of the medical advice was that my condition was unlikely to change much, and that work if anything would make it worse. So hopefully they'll leave me alone.
That said I'm looking into ways of escaping from the system. I am looking at full-time study. This would be extremely challenging both physically and mentally but it might be doable with the right help. I'm more than capable of getting a PhD but my illnesses at various stages have made me back away from following through on my potential. My interests have changed since I last considered the possibility and I would need to do an MA or similar in my chosen subject before enrolling for a PhD. I'm using this year as a run up and a chance to explore funding opportunities for a one year MA or MPhil. It's what I love doing anyway and would take about 5 years. Not a bad five year plan! After that who knows?
This process has been six months of debilitating stress:
- Apr 26 - warning that benefits are about to change.
- May 10 - request to complete ESA50 (which replaces IB50)
- Jun 03 - reminder re ESA50
- Jun 18 - notification of WCA
- Jul 09 - WCA (by registered nurse).
- Aug 22 - notice of benefit change to ESA.
- Sep 10 - acknowledgement of appeal
- Sep 26 - DWP employee rings me to try to "sort out" my appeal over the phone. I take this to be a thinly disguised attempt to screw up my appeal by an unscrupulous employee trying to meet targets.
- Oct 02 - Personal Advisor interview.
- Oct 22 - Appeal decision
- Oct 25 - Notice of change of payments.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Self deceptions
I've noticed with the Olympics that it gets co-opted.
A woman I followed on Twitter wanted to make the point that women were dominating the medal podium one day. She was apoplectic when I pointed out that it was because they only competed against women. If they had taken equality to it's logical conclusion the Olympics would not have a separate category for women it would simply celebrate the best at each sport. And some women would make it. I imagine that South Korean archer Ki Bo Bae would be there - she is awesome. But in athletics men run faster, jump higher, lift and throw heavier weights, the swim faster etc etc. Look at who holds the world records in most sports activities and it will be men. I don't see this as a put down, it's just a fact. And yes it is quite true that the fastest women are faster than the average man, faster than me. But this does not alter the fact. I grew up with women assuring me that thy were not only as good as men, but better in many respects; that they could do anything and probably better than men; that women deserved to be treated as equals or betters in any aspects of life. OK then let's have a level playing field in sport. There's no reason why most sports need to have separate leagues and separate competitions for women. Why should women runners not run against men? Where size is a factor - as in weight-lifting or judo - we already have weight grades to even things up. I'm all for equality.
Another person wanted to compare the medals that Scotland won with the medals that New Zealand won. Except that Scotland didn't win any medals - the United Kingdom certainly won a lot of medals and within Team GB (as it is inaccurately called) there were lots of Scottish Athletes. Would Scotland win so many medals if they were independent? We'll never know until they follow through on the independence movement. New Zealand is a separate nation, and we did not benefit from UK money or facilities. And we did not have a home crowd advantage in the last couple of weeks. Same with Yorkshire claiming to have won more medals than any other county. So what? Yorkshire wouldn't survive for 10 years as an independent country - they're absolutely dependent on wealth generated elsewhere in the UK (including Scotland). One of the main proponents of this Yorkshire lark is Jon Lord Prescott - who is so fat these days he couldn't run 100 metres let alone race it, though I'd want to be arms length away when I said that because not doubt he's still got a mean left hook.
It's all just a weird form of jingoism - dividing into arbitrary groups and then saying "we're better than you are". As if that really means anything that one's neighbours are good athletes. I like seeing Kiwi's doing well, but I don't then claim to be a superior person on the basis of that. It's not me that won the match! Why should I feel good about myself because someone I've never met and never will has played a good match, or run fast?
Medals were won for your country not by your country.
A woman I followed on Twitter wanted to make the point that women were dominating the medal podium one day. She was apoplectic when I pointed out that it was because they only competed against women. If they had taken equality to it's logical conclusion the Olympics would not have a separate category for women it would simply celebrate the best at each sport. And some women would make it. I imagine that South Korean archer Ki Bo Bae would be there - she is awesome. But in athletics men run faster, jump higher, lift and throw heavier weights, the swim faster etc etc. Look at who holds the world records in most sports activities and it will be men. I don't see this as a put down, it's just a fact. And yes it is quite true that the fastest women are faster than the average man, faster than me. But this does not alter the fact. I grew up with women assuring me that thy were not only as good as men, but better in many respects; that they could do anything and probably better than men; that women deserved to be treated as equals or betters in any aspects of life. OK then let's have a level playing field in sport. There's no reason why most sports need to have separate leagues and separate competitions for women. Why should women runners not run against men? Where size is a factor - as in weight-lifting or judo - we already have weight grades to even things up. I'm all for equality.
Another person wanted to compare the medals that Scotland won with the medals that New Zealand won. Except that Scotland didn't win any medals - the United Kingdom certainly won a lot of medals and within Team GB (as it is inaccurately called) there were lots of Scottish Athletes. Would Scotland win so many medals if they were independent? We'll never know until they follow through on the independence movement. New Zealand is a separate nation, and we did not benefit from UK money or facilities. And we did not have a home crowd advantage in the last couple of weeks. Same with Yorkshire claiming to have won more medals than any other county. So what? Yorkshire wouldn't survive for 10 years as an independent country - they're absolutely dependent on wealth generated elsewhere in the UK (including Scotland). One of the main proponents of this Yorkshire lark is Jon Lord Prescott - who is so fat these days he couldn't run 100 metres let alone race it, though I'd want to be arms length away when I said that because not doubt he's still got a mean left hook.
It's all just a weird form of jingoism - dividing into arbitrary groups and then saying "we're better than you are". As if that really means anything that one's neighbours are good athletes. I like seeing Kiwi's doing well, but I don't then claim to be a superior person on the basis of that. It's not me that won the match! Why should I feel good about myself because someone I've never met and never will has played a good match, or run fast?
Medals were won for your country not by your country.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
ATOS Victims Group: a webpage which tells the truth about ATOS, who they are, how they operate to force ill and disabled people off benefits and into the job market (at a time of high unemployment); and the government and what their program of welfare is really about.
Unfortunately the government have waged a campaign of press releases which deride and disparage the ill and disabled and have manipulated public opinion. So welfare reform is a popular policy and many of the government's lies have been accepted as true. The truth is that benefit fraud is tiny, and mistakes in payments are high. Tax cheating costs the UK 100x as much as benefit fraud. White collar fraud in banking and finance have cost this country trillions of pounds.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Still waiting
Still waiting to hear the result of my WCA. Depressed and despondent. Suicidal thoughts.
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