There is NO BENEFIT to Being Debilitated!

Glancing at the disabilities and welfare blogs I read I can see that the situation is dire in the UK. We're doomed basically. All kinds of other policy initiatives introduced by the manic phase new government are being reversed or rethought because they are incredibly unpopular. Welfare reform is not unpopular. And one has to ask whether this is because from day one, aided by a parasitic news media culture, the DWP waged a propaganda war against the benefit system, often stretching the truth to make their point, and making the most extreme abuses seem like the norm for all benefit claimants? Or is the popularity of welfare reform really what people want? I would argue that it is a clear case of manufacturing consent.

The very language here is fucked. The welfare payment is not a benefit, it's a fucking consolation for losing your job (so often because of economic forces outside your control) and/or becoming so ill that one cannot work. It's a minimal payment - and they reinforce the minimal in their communication with the applicant: "this is just enough to stop you dying, but don't get cocky".

There is no benefit to becoming so ill you have to stop working. Even Pollyanna would struggle to look on the bright side of debilitating illness - oh yes it's great not having to work, and the charity shops have the most intriguing range of hand-me-downs; if only I were not in constant pain and able to walk I would feel I was the luckiest person in the world. NOT. And welfare is not claimed, it is applied for certainly, but it is granted by the powers that be whose mercy we are at, and we are never allowed to forget it! Rather than a benefit claimant I would prefer to be known as a Consolation Grant Applicant, and the payment to be called a grant rather than a benefit.

The trouble is no one is listening to people who rely on welfare payments. All they see is someone getting something for nothing. So, even more than bankers, the system targets those who receive welfare, and the general population either supports the measure or quietly turns away and let's it happen. Pray you never get ill - all you able bodied people out there. Pray. Because once you do become ill, you become "outcast".

NHS Reform

From Bananas in Pyjamas: Some free advice on achieving 'world class NHS productivity' McKinsey style.

No Sex is OK.

So... it's been ten days since I stopped masturbating every day with the aid of fantasies and porn. I was only an occasional porn user, but I used both porn and pornographic fantasies to create desire in order to get to orgasm. You might not think this is a bad thing, but I got to reading about the effects of hyper-stimulation and the dulling of the pleasure response in relation to my long history of anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia and (these days) chronic fatigue.

And the result? Almost no spontaneous sexual desire. No daytime erections. Almost no thinking about sex. The urge to masturbate is not presently linked to physical desire. It is linked to habit, and neurotic pleasure seeking. Whether or not it is related I don't know but I am experiencing quite severe insomnia at present. I've cut down a little on chocolate as well (one 100g bar of 70% a day is limit!) and that may be it. I do notice that being in the presence of an attractive women - and I live in a University/tourist town so it's heaving with them - makes me feel uncomfortable or restless. But it's not a groin sensation at all. So I'm just looking away and trying not to think about it. And actually it's fine. When I'm not artificially stimulating my sexual desire, it's very low indeed - and well it may be as I'm in pain & tired most of the time. Actually I think I feel less lonely in the last week or so.

So this is something worth blogging about. There's a lot of political shit going on in the UK. A lot of stuff that I can't really keep up with - a constant barrage of propaganda from the DWP which is clearly designed to reduce sympathy for the beneficiaries of the nation. And it seems to be working as there are massive protests against heath and education plans, and policy U-turns, bu there is no organised response to benefit cuts. Of course those of us on benefits are not really in as good a position as educators and doctors to defend ourselves. But I find it all too much and too depressing. Others are doing a good job of commenting in blogs.

Still waiting for the Work Capacity Assessment axe to fall, and constantly anxious about that.

The Pleasure Response and Me

After reading this article: "Day 64: Successful, great, normal sex" I started to think about my sex life, such as it is, in a new way. I use porn occasionally, but fantasize a lot. I've also been reading Keith Richards about Heroin addiction and why you suffer so much getting off it - it floods the endorphin receptors in the brain which then stops making it's own. So when you stop taking heroin it takes 72 hours to reboot the brain to make it's own endorphins. Something similar happens with orgasm and the pleasure processing circuits in the brain. I dabbled in the Gupta Amygdala Retraining program last year which is about treating an overloaded fight/flight response (as I understand it). So all of these are related to over-stimulation of various brain modules or circuits which interrupts natural functioning.

What occurred to me is that I cannot remember the last time I had a natural erection. I can give myself one, and I don't having too much problem reaching orgasm, but from day to day I don't get them spontaneously. From what I've read each orgasm has quite long lasting effects on the brain and especially the pleasure response. Even once a day orgasm with fantasy or porn to artificially stimulate sexual response dulls the pleasure response. The man in the article suffered from erectile dysfunction - and I gather this is quite common.

So at the moment I'm refraining from fantasy and masturbation. I'm not making a decision to be celibate, though I'm seriously thinking about it for the first time in my life. But I'm trying to avoid fantasising and artificial stimulation. Let's see what happens. After three nights of no fantasies and no masturbation, I still have not had a spontaneous erection during the day.

I'm also feeling more concerned about my addiction to chocolate now. If I cut down I get headaches and feel lousy and miserable. I got up to a bar and a half of dark chocolate (150g) for a while - and I'm paying for this out of my benefit. It's crazy. So I'm cutting down to one bar for a start. I can't tackle everything at once. I'll see how it goes, but I'd like to be free not to eat chocolate. Any reduction in my intake takes about 2 weeks to adjust to - it's much worse than coffee! (and coffee is no substitute)!

I want also to look at my food more generally. I've been having bad stomach problems including one ambulance call out because of extreme pain! I'm getting it all looked at, and being pretty careful about what I eat. But my diet succumbed some time ago (I never recovered from Christmas basically). High glycemic index foods cause a major impact on the body. I'm putting on weight again, because I'm over eating and not sticking the guidelines for healthy eating.

The trouble is getting through the stress caused by the change. So one thing at a time, and baby steps! But I'm concerned that this phenomenon of over stimulation might be having a major impact on me. Basically I'm easily stimulated. There's not a great deal of difference between the various kinds of arousal - difficult to physiologically tell fear from anger for instance as they involve the same hormones, and other autonomic responses. Perhaps if I can reduce the over stimulation from various sources I might find it has a overall beneficial effect on my Fibromyalgia too.

Depressing future for men?

"Emory University experts predict that rates of depressive disorders among men will increase as the 21st century progresses."

http://scienceblog.com/43222/depressing-future-for-men/

but...

" new research by George Mason University psychology professor Todd Kashdan shows that being a mindful person not only makes you generally more tolerant and less defensive, but it can also actually neutralize fears of dying and death."

From Scienceblog

My family

About 4 years ago my younger brother got drunk and was being an arsehole at a small gathering at his house down near London. He was being rude to my Mum and then rude to me, and so I said I'd prefer not to communicate that way and he told me to "Fuck off". So I did. But on the way out I made the mistake of venting my own spleen, and this meant leaving the house with my brother behind me screaming insults and abuse at me. It was all a bit distressing, and we haven't patched it up, or even tried. I don't want to be yelled at, and I suppose I haven't really forgiven him for some of the things he said about my mental health. Yes, Chris I am "dysfunctional" thanks for pointing that out! I am the one who's been in hospital, attempted suicide, on medication, and in therapy over the years. That's me. That's not you - you're the one who earns £60 per hour, has a wife, and three kids; you're the one who has something like a normal life. Yeah, mate, you got that one right.

Anyway one of me other brothers sent round a family email with lots of addresses on it. And Chris replied to all - so that I got his response which included a blurb about his kids and some photos. It was pretty weird to get this accidental update after years of being in Coventry. I felt uncomfortable and a little angry. I decided to block that particular email address - it was a work one and he changes his job every 6 months anyway.

Meanwhile my Mum is just back from another stint in Africa as a missionary. Safe and well, thank God. Conditions are primitive where she goes. I don't begrudge her doing it, spending my inheritance(!), but at 71 and with two artificial hips, I worry about her.

Back

Well it's been a long while since I blogged here. Christmas was a bit of a nightmare - I tried to stay on my strict diet and went a bit mental. Couldn't do it and felt guilty. Got depressed. Fell apart. I never like Christmas anyway, but this one was the worst.

So now I'm getting back on my feet a bit. Diet kind of working again, though this week has not been as successful as last - dieting requires momentum, and having lost mine I'm struggling to get it back. Still I'm under 85 kg now, and my BMI is about 27.

A couple of nights ago I have terrible burning pain in my chest and thought I might have to call an ambulance. I did call NHS Direct who were quite helpful - thanks to Daren in Newcastle. It came on about 1.30am and lasted an hour and a half. I've had some blood tests done, and will have an endoscopy which will be fun (NOT). This is probably caused by long term anti-inflammatory use.

Otherwise my health is not too bad. Stable with some pain but not unmanageable. I don't know when my Work Capability Assessment will be, but it must be coming up. I'm terrified that they're going to try to force me back into work - I don't think I could do it. I still have no effective treatment for my fibromyalgia other than rest and not doing things that aggravate it. I really struggle with relating to other people, and get stressed very easily and quickly. With thousands of able bodied and sound minded people out of work who need jobs and who can't survive on the benefit I wonder what the point of me competing with them is.

I don't believe David Cameron - we are not all in this together. David is a millionaire who is not having to personally cut back. The rich have gotten richer during the financial crisis and the middle and the poor are paying directly for it. We're paying in reduced benefits, higher prices, in reduced local services, in lost jobs. They're getting million pound bonuses for fucks sake. How did no banker end up in jail over the fraud involved in sub-prime mortgages? If it were not for the fact that they'd just deport me, I might be up for some direct action against bankers. Those bastards at Barclays that made record profits and only paid 1% tax - how does that work? Royal Bank of Scotland makes a loss and pays the CEO a cool £2 million bonus for running the business into the ground. Something is rotten in the city of London!

The good news is that one of the MEBs is moving out. I found P quite stressful to live with. He is a noisy eater which I hate. I hate the sound of other people eating -it's like finger nails on a blackboard to me, and that's when everyone is eating with their mouths closed and not slurping. He's also a terrible cook, producing quite the worst food I've ever had served up to me in several decades of communal living. But the worst thing is that outside the house he's very active doing all kinds of things, but inside he's very passive. He'll go the extra mile to help someone with a fund-raising event, but does the absolute minimum around the house. And being passive he responds to feedback with passive aggression. So ask him to clean up the shit he's left lying around and he'll just sulk, and do the thing he should have done without being asked in the most ungracious manner short of telling you to fuck off. He won't not do it, but he'll let you know that it's only because you've been a dick about it. He's just a pain in the arse to live with - but not a bad person. Anyway I'm pleased he's going. We're replacing him with a guy who's also quite young (30's) but seems a bit less green.

One thing about English men that I find incomprehensible is the way they wash dishes - this seems to be almost universal. They seem to have a rule that one sink of water, with minimal suds, is the maximum and no matter how full of grease and food it gets, no matter how thick and soupy, that it cannot be replaced. Often the dishes are coming out with more grease on them than they went in with. So it's no surprise that I have to check every dish and mug in the cupboard before using it - about 50% of the time there is enough residue to make me less than keen to eat off it. And they get quite shitty if I suggest that they cannot clean dishes in dirty water. I suppose that's what they've grown up with? And P was one of the worst at this as well.

So hopefully I get back to more regular reportage of my life amongst the English and the MEBs, and dealing with mental and physical health problems, and living on benefits.