The last few weeks have been interesting. When you have chronic illnesses there are always the extreme days - days when one is either caught up in illness, or blithely unaware of it. And especially with mental problems there are days of clarity amidst suffering.

I'm trapped in some behaviours which had survival value 40 years ago - it's painful and frightening for me and those around me. But I'm seeing it reasonably clearly. My primary orientation to the world is: who or what is a threat? Early experience tells me that any person can suddenly switch from friend to foe. Trust no one. That experience tells me that conflicts result in me getting hurt, thus it is vital for me to avoid conflict. I'm almost always on edge.

It's important to be able to anticipate what people are going to say in order to predict possible threats. I had a quick mind anyway, but this pushed it's development in a particular direction. I can scan ahead using patterns to predict how people will unfold an argument, and anticipate it, and often be ready to respond before the person stops talking. I know that everyone does this, but I think I do it for different reasons and to a greater extent. It is about trying to appear dominant, but not because I feel superior. Quite the opposite. I feel inferior and vulnerable.

I was severely bullied at primary school (broken arm at one point) and a good deal of secondary school. But in addition my neighbourhood was violent and unpredictable, as were members of my family.

For me the best solution to an anticipated conflict is to hide. To physically hide if possible, or to shield myself mentally and emotionally if not. Thus drugs and alcohol were welcome in my life, though destructive. And if I could not hide then I would make a show of strength to discourage opponents. This dynamic came out particularly with my younger brother. C used to take out his frustrations on me by verbally winding me up. I was often left in charge and he resented it. I think he wanted his Dad, and his Dad was simply not available as he lived a long way away and our mother vehemently hated and denigrated him. So C would needle me until I thumped him, then having reached this climax things would calm down for a while. But it festered and we are now estranged. I had the same kind of relationship with my older brother A, though he moved to another country which helped to diffuse things. The oldest S seemed to somehow not be drawn into the conflicts. As I got older I became more adept at avoiding the conflicts, but also mired in drugs. I had a series of breakdowns, was repeated diagnosed with depression, though it's clear to me now that depression was only a symptom of a much deeper problem (complex type 2 post-traumatic stress disorder)

And yet within this I'm high functioning. I do have friends, I did get married even though it didn't last. I am a member of a spiritual community. I have long periods when the anxieties and paranoia are in the background. But there are many triggers.

The latest flair up revolved around my birthday. It's so complex that it's hard to know where to start. I had been feeling left out - but then I hide often so I was also opting out. I partly opt out because I feel ill in one way or another; partly because the group I currently live with are difficult. They are cliquey - a group of friends linked as much as anything by common interests in TV shows and films, though it does go deeper I suppose. I don't see much else. From time to time they just seem to rub my nose in being an outsider: dinner time will change without me being told so I come down half an hour late; they'll all be watching a movie without asking me to join them. Stuff like that. Though on the latter subject they all seem to enjoy films that I don't. I struggle with violence in films and with love stories. They watch the latest violent movies and say it doesn't affect them. But I can't watch, say, a Bond film without it having a serious impact on me. I experience strong anxiety and distress.

So I'm not really fitting in. I'm frustrated by the lack of care shown in particular areas of the house. I'm frustrated that I've gone from having everyone's respect to seemingly not having respect. It used to be my home, but now it's this house where I live and I'm this awkward bugger that no one really wants to spend time with. I have to confess that I've been making sure to take my pain meds (codeine) just before dinner so I'm a bit fuzzy at the table - I'm anxious and tell myself I can't face it straight. Probably a mistake.

About two weeks ago I asked for my usual decaf tea after dinner and the idiot who was making the drinks gave me ordinary tea. I always drink decaf because of insomnia. And he's known me for 3 or 4 years now. He knows, but he's not very mindful. He gets focussed on one thing and forgets everything else. And we have this coffee machine now that is complicated to use. Drink making is now about 75% making espressos for the in-crowd, and 25% making tea for the rest of us (about half of us don't drink coffee). Anyway I didn't sleep much that night, and I have a full day the next couple of days and I felt very tired.

A couple of days later we're sitting having dinner on our home night - where we clean up and do some activity together. I was really tired and didn't say anything all night. I felt depressed. And no one spoke to me - they ask each other how their day was but not me. Until suddenly I was being asked to lead the activity - and this particular thing I don't really do any more. And especially not when I'm tired and depressed. And after not having talked to me all night, one of the others starts pressuring me to say more. It's done in that English way of understated passive aggressive needling. I'm upset at being put on the spot, and I blurt out about the wrong tea and not sleeping. I'm angry and can't hide it. Which gets everyone's backs up.

So my birthday rolls around. A few years back the guys would club together and buy the birthday boy a nice present. Now we do it out of a common fund, and they just pick something off your Amazon wish list. It has become perfunctory. No one really makes an effort. Though I notice that people that are more cliquey buy gifts for each other. And I couldn't bring myself to celebrate my birthday with these people. It felt hypocritical. So I ran away to London for the afternoon and evening, had dinner down there and came back late. Without telling anyone - hiding again.

There are so many little things that I find difficult here. But they're turning into big things. I'm so bloody over-sensitive it's painful. That image of being flayed alive and having no protection from contact - the agony of it. I can relate to that. But I'm so fearful of moving. It's incredible expensive here - agents extort fees here that are unreal. Plus you almost never get your bond back. The agent charges the tenant for services provided to the landlord; and relentlessly takes money where ever they can. And it's very difficult to get anything fixed or upgraded. Such a different experience to renting in NZ where laws favour tenants. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where would I get the money to move? How can I stay here? A council flat might be an option but I've been discouraged because for every place there are about 100 people looking in this town (and I understand that we are reasonably well off). Moving back home to NZ? I just don't see a way to do it and survive.