I take drugs!

In my youth I used to take illicit drugs. But in 1992 I gave all that up as a dead-loss. Drugs never made me happier, and if anything made me more unhappy by causing me to take poor decisions and covering up the underlying unhappiness. However over about three decades now I have taken a variety of prescriptions drugs (or meds as we veterans of the mental health system tend to call them), not all of which I can remember. Drugs are the first and often the only line of treatment for my several ailments: depression, anxiety, pain, migraine.

Depression

Anti-depressants form by far the largest category of drugs I've taken. These drugs all affect different people differently - sometimes oppositely for instance you might lose/gain weight or feel drowsy/hyper-alert (I get fat and dopey). I'm hyper-sensitive to dose changes and could be badly affected by such things as when the chemist changed brands.

amitriptyline. This is one of the earliest ADs and still a front line drug in many places. It is soporific to some extent (a large extent for me) and so goes well with insomnia. In lower doses it is widely prescribed for pain (which how I first started on it). I would not go so far as to say this drug ruined my life, but I do think it cost me my marriage, and about ten years of my life lived in a daze. As I overdosed on it 10 years ago it did nearly cost me my life in that sense. It is still offered to me whenever I see someone new.

Various tri-cyclics with much the same effect: imipramine, prothioden (aka dosulepin), trazodone, plus a couple I don't recall the names of.

paroxetine. Took this for several years. Quite useful. Main side effect was delayed orgasm which the Mrs enjoyed (before she left me). However getting off this shit is tough. The withdrawal effects are savage! Massive headaches and nausea - it goes on and on! Smallest pill is 20mg, but you really need 1 mg steps to easy off it. 20 > 0 would be unthinkable, and I was cutting these bastard oval pills into 4ths and 8ths!

fluoxetine (aka Prozac). Sent me to sleep - supposed to be stimulant! Was dozy for a few weeks before deciding I'd rather be depressed.

citalopram. snooze...

I've never been able to afford St John's Wort, as it is fucking expensive. Currently I don't take depression meds, though with the English winter coming on I'm thinking about it again. I was often on two ADs such as Paroxetine and Amitriptyline.

Anxiety

stellazine - used as an antipsychotic, but in smaller doses for anxiety. To be honest I have no recall of how effective this was, but I did overdose around that time, so perhaps not very.

thioridazine. Also sometimes used as an anti-psychotic, but given to me for anxiety. I remember that it dried out my mucus membranes, made me constipated and caused me to suffer because I had haemorrhoids at the time! But it also made me dopey. The psychiatrist lied about the side-effects and then got indignant when I told her she was a fucking bitch (she got her own back in my records by saying I had "unrealistic expectations" - fucking bitch).

(These more serious anti-X drugs come with powerful side-effects that make them extremely unpleasant for me to take. Really not worth it for anything short of psychosis - which I don't suffer from, despite what people think!)

diazapam (aka Valium) one of the benzo-diazapines which are bit like opiates. This is wonderful for anxiety, but hideously addictive. Hard to get Drs to prescribe this stuff - much harder than temazapam (see below). Usually take this for going to the Dentist to stave off panic attacks. Love this stuff, and thank goodness I never got access to it in my recreational days!

Insomnia

temazapam - gets me off to sleep when nothing else works, although not always. Sometimes I'm just too wound up to sleep and even these don't work. Quite addictive so I try to keep the dose low and spread them out. Also a bad hangover. Some time back had another benzo called clonazepam (aka klonopin) - much the same (though I was taking more than prescribed so the Psychiatrist stopped them - probably just as well!)

Herbs. Things like hops, passion-flower, and valerian root do actually work as soporifics, though in my experience all cause a hangover if I take enough to get a noticeable effect. Kava kava used to work quite well and was freely available in NZ, but has been banned in the UK because one person in Europe had a bad reaction.

Pain

Various over-the-counter combinations of ibuprofen, paracetamol and codeine. These are helpful on minor pain days.

NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs).

diclofenac being my current poison. Long term kidney damage a bit of a downside. One per day max or bad stomach problems.

naproxine and similar drugs depending on what the NHS are buying at the time.

brufen - basically slow release ibuprofen. Haven't used it for a while.

Nerve-agents (aka anti-seizure drugs) These are prescribed on the basis that my pain nerves are over active (fucking A). They work by reducing the electric potential of nerve cells and dampening nerve activity.

gabbapentin. Specific to pain nerves so less likely to cause overall drowsiness etc. For me caused unpleasant hallucinations a bit like a bad trip on magic mushrooms. Not good, not something I enjoyed even in the bad old days.

carbamazepine. Good pain relief but completely fucked me up - could barely remember my name! Three months in the twilight zone. For a long time after I stopped I did not need painkillers - my longest stint in years. If only I could adjust to having 50% of my present IQ and no particular ambitions this would be the thing for me!

The weirdest pain treatment I had was injections of local anaesthetic into the affect area (i.e. the back of my neck) I nearly passed out - there's something very un-natural about being injected in the neck! Didn't do much else though.

In conclusion

I also take migraine medication (maxalt) occasionally. And of course I eat a shit load of dark chocolate (containing anandamide, theobromine, phenylethylamine and tryptophan) - fortunately my migraines are not food related! Had one today - take a pill, head to bed, and when I wake up it's all over. Grateful for this stuff.

On the whole I've found that most drugs just fuck me up, and I'm better off without them - I try to take the minimum, and I'm better at handling the pain now anyway. The alternatives are all expensive and although I'm grateful to the NHS they don't pay for the things I find most useful like ongoing psychotherapy. I could do with some physio as well, but I can't get the Docs to agree to it. Don't even fucking talk to me about alternative medicine - I've never felt the slightest effect from homeopathy, or any other 'alternative'. The best I could say is that they seem to be harmless - if pointless and expensive.

One of the best things for all of the above is laughing. So now I try to see and hear as much comedy as I can. This means that the BBC is as important to me as the NHS. I love the News Quiz, I'm sorry I haven't a clue, the Unbelievable Truth, Mitchell and Webb; and Have I Got News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Mock the Week. The BBC fosters so much comedic talent. Jeremy Hardy is my laughter physician. He'll most likely never read this, but I salute you Jeremy. Laughter helps with pain, it helps with anxiety and depression. It just helps.